Star Trek Physical
by Anthony Staffenhagen
Summary: Just a dumb one-shot about a Star Trek short film made by somebody who doesn't know enough about Star Trek. Written for u/Baerlon.


A young girl named Bonnie unintentionally woke up very early one morning. Her friends and brother were still sleeping and likely wouldn't wake up for at least another couple of hours. To pass the time until then, Bonnie was going to watch a movie on Paramount's streaming service.

I wish you could see this.

While Bonnie was searching for something to watch, she came across a piece of content that was titled _Star Trek Physical_. She had become a Trekkie a few years prior, but still didn't know everything about the franchise. Because of this, she didn't question the possibility of there being a Star Trek movie or show she had never heard of. That was until she saw what it said below the title on the thumbnail. It read 'A Short Film by Karli O'Donnell.'

This couldn't be. Karli O'Donnell is the name of someone Bonnie knows. As soon as she got to a phone, Bonnie called this acquaintance of hers to ask her if she was truly involved with the production of the short film she had just found.

"As a matter of fact, I was," Karli answered.

"How were you able to make a Star Trek movie?" asked Bonnie. "That's really impressive."

"Thank you. But just so you know, none of it was done by me except for the script."

"Alright. But still, how did it get made?"

"I'd tell you, but it gives away the plot. So watch it first and then call me back."

"Okay."

"But just one thing before you go. You know how you used to call me Valentine for some reason and I always hated that?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I'm looking forward to something that Anthony's possibly gonna make happen on Valentine's Day, so, and I never thought I'd say that, but I'd actually like you to call me that so the hype for the holiday can build. I want you to call me that until Valentine's Day is over, that is.

"Uhh...Okay then."

When the girls' conversation was over, Bonnie went back to the TV she was using and started the short film. Now for the cast of characters that's probably actually the one you wanted to see.

**Star Trek Physical**

The Enterprise was flying slowly through space. Captain James Tiberius Kirk was speaking with a fellow Earthling via the viewscreen on the ship's bridge. This man he was talking to had long blonde hair in a ponytail, clearly enjoyed working out, and wore a red trucker hat that said 'Deadly Anger' on the front. "Hello, Captain Picard and friends. My name is Terrance."

"Who is Captain Picard?" Captain Kirk asked, surprised by Terrance saying the wrong name.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Looks like I got your name mixed up with someone else's," Terrance responded. "But anyway, this transmission comes to you from a different point in time. It is currently the year 2019 for me, almost 2020. This morning, something that I would like to show you fell out of the sky." He then held up a large, metallic, rectangular, box-like device for the Enterprise crew to see. It looked heavy enough that most people would have a difficult time lifting it, but Terrance's muscular arms made it easier for him to pick the device up.

"What is that?" asked Spock.

"I believe it came from the planet Buyoras," Terrance began to answer, even though that was not what Spock had asked. "A few years ago, that planet's maximally advanced technology gave us a machine that was able to change anything into anything else. Everyone used it for a while until it was destroyed due to all the horrible evil it could potentially be used for. This machine I hold here seems to be the new edition of that one. It's able to create any physical object out of absolutely nothing! My time period isn't ready for such a device. But I feel that since you people in the future have much more technology, it won't leave as strong of an impact on your society as it would on mine."

Kirk took a moment to think over everything he had just been told and how he wanted to respond to it. "I'm intrigued," he said while stroking his chin. "Demonstrate it for us."

Upon this instruction, Terrance placed the machine down on a picnic table and then said, "Computer, generate me an apple, a Van Halen CD, and something to play that CD on." After a brief moment, the three things that Terrance had requested appeared inside the machine. He then took a bite out of the apple and played the CD on the boombox the machine had given him to prove that they were all real. With it being from the primitive year of 2019, everyone aboard the Enterprise who had witnessed this was stunned that the machine's voice activation worked so flawlessly.

"Scotty, beam that device onto the ship," Kirk instructed, very impressed with what he had seen. The very unique metal alloy that the machine was made of was foreign to the transporter. This resulted in it taking slightly longer than usual to teleport. "Does it have a name?" Kirk asked Terrance.

"I've just been calling it the crazy maker thingy," stated Terrance.

"Than I shall call it the CMT," Kirk replied. "Thank you for the generous gift, kind sir." The transmission then ended. "Spock, what do you think we should do with this?"

"I believe it would be best if we disposed of, as you've called it, the CMT," answered Spock in a polite tone. "I respectfully disagree with that man about our society being ready for it. I feel there will never come a time when such a machine would lead to anything but disaster. It's simply too much of a risk that someone who would go mad with power could get access to it."

"So are you saying we should destroy it?"

"That would not be wise either. Due to what this machine is capable of, there's no telling what complex and advanced technology allows it to function. Destroying it, or even carefully taking it apart, could potentially be dangerous. We should instead take it to an uninhabited planet and bury it."

"Destroying it sounds more fun, but alright," Kirk begrudgingly said as he got up from the command chair. "Lieutenant Uhura, come with me to the transporter." Naturally, Kirk made his way to the transporter with Uhura following him. "Scotty, beam us and the CMT to E-6."

The transporter began to start up. At first, it was able to convert Kirk and Uhura into energy just fine like it usually would. However, the CMT's metal alloy once again caused a problem. This time, it was much more serious than the minor inconvenience from before. The CMT and two living beings was too much for the transporter. Unfortunately, no one aboard the ship realized it.

They weren't beamed to E-6, but to a very small town on Earth. It was actually so small there was nothing in it but one single house that was covered with Christmas decorations. "This doesn't look right," Kirk commented.

"I don't believe this is where we meant to go," Uhura added. "It appears to be Earth, but more primordial."

From inside the house, a young boy saw the two members of Starfleet through his living room window. He initially thought that they were just cosplayers, but he deduced that that wasn't the case once he got a good look at Kirk's face. However, he still had the misconception of thinking it was William Shatner, not Captain Kirk. This got him a little hyped, but his excitement died down slightly once he remembered who it really was. Now he wouldn't be able to make an obscure reference about William Shatner voicing Santa Claus because Kirk wouldn't get it. Regardless, the kid still swung open his front door and stepped onto the front porch to greet them. "Hello!" he shouted while trying and failing to do a Vulcan salute. He had to use his right hand to push his left fingers together and he still couldn't even keep them together. His voice sounded much more adult than they were expecting because he appeared to be very young. "Welcome to Mortolat Town in the year 2019!"

"2019?!" both members of Starfleet shouted in shock.

"You heard me. My name is Lane. Wonderful to meet you. Welcome to my universe."

"Wait. Let me see if I have this right," said Uhura. "Are you saying we've not only come to Earth and gone back in time, but we're in a different universe too?"

"Yes," answered Lane. "Now let me play with the CMT! I wanna make a copy of Hasbro vs. Capcom for the Nintendo Switch system, a game that does not exist. No, wait. Not yet. I have to make a roster for it first."

Still wanting to use it to make something else, Lane ran up to the machine, but Uhura stopped him by grabbing his hand. "How do you know about this machine?" she asked while letting his hand go.

"Before I explain that, I have to explain something else. You see, I'm a fictional character. The guy who created me, Anthony Edward Staffenhagen, likes to make his characters be fully aware that they're not real and make them do other fourth wall breaking stuff like know things no real person could possibly know. That's how I knew about the CMT, because Anthony made me know. I also knew you two were coming."

The very bizarre things that this odd fellow was telling them baffled Uhura and Kirk. Kirk glanced through the windows of Lane's house and saw that it seemed to be devoid of anyone in it. "How old are you?" asked the Captain. "You look about 8, but you sound much older and you appear to be home alone."

"I should be 9 because I had my birthday earlier this month, but Anthony's choosing to keep me 8 because it's our favorite number. My family's at the Christmas Eve thing at Church that I used to love but we recently moved to a new church and it's just not the same, so now I refuse to go. The reason my voice sounds like this is because Anthony decided that he would be the voice of me if I was a real cartoon character. Hopefully Grey DeLisle doesn't mind being replaced. Speaking of my voice, I've got a funny story. I just met this other kid, or maybe he was a teenager, who Anthony chose to have Thomas F. Wilson's voice. He mentioned knowing someone named Hector, so I'll bet whoever Hector is has the same voice as the guy who played Pig on Pig Goat Banana Cricket because..."

Annoyed with this overly enthusiastic boy's irritating ramblings, Captain Kirk took a deep breath and then kneeled down to get better eye contact with him. "Please stop talking. All I asked was your age," he said as he put a hand on Lane's left shoulder. "No one but you cares about whatever you were just talking about, so there's no need for you to share it with others. Just like with anything else, whatever it is you're interested in should only be shared if the other people are interested in it too. They're not, so you should just keep it to yourself. Doing otherwise is nothing but a complete waste of everyone's time." As Kirk stood back up, Lane stood there with a frown for a few seconds until he turned around and ran back inside. He slammed the door, almost crying.

"I think you really hurt his feelings," said Uhura.

"I was trying to give him some life advice. It's not my fault if he took it the wrong way. But we should focus on what's important, getting back to the ship."

"Of course." Using her communicator, Uhura said "Scotty, the transporter malfunctioned and sent us to...somewhere other than we intended. Beam us back aboard," but got no response. "Is anyone there? Come in." Still nothing. "Captain, try yours."

"No need. I have a better idea anyway." After saying this, the Captain turned around and faced the incredible machine. "CMT, make something that we can use to instantly get back to our ship completely unharmed." The CMT generated two Cocoa Puffs, much to the confusion of both Kirk and Uhura. To see what would happen, they each ate one and they were then somehow teleported back onto the Enterprise, without the CMT. With no way to return to Lane's universe, Uhura worried that the device would get into the wrong hands and it would lead to catastrophe. She felt regret because she believed it was partially her fault.

**To Be Continued?**

**No. It is not to be continued.**

"So now that you've watched it, I'll tell you how I was able to make it," Karli said to Bonnie. "The CMT fell out of the sky in front of my house and I used it to make a DVD of the thing you just watched. Then the machine exploded, so I guess it was unstable and one more use was all it took to destroy it. I then sold the DVD to Paramount, and one thing led to another, and you see where I'm going with this." Karli took a pause and looked at Bonnie to see if she could gauge her reaction to the short film based on just her facial expression. Her face only said that she didn't want to hurt Karli's feelings, so Karli had to say "Can you please tell me what you thought of it? And please tell me everything about it that you thought was bad."

"Why would you wanna hear my negative opinions?" asked Bonnie.

"Because. Another CMT is in Lane's universe. Once I can get there, I'm gonna steal it and use it to make more movies. I want to make stuff that people like, but I can't do that if no one tells me what about what I've done they think is bad."

"Okay then, Valentine. If you really wanna know, I thought it was horrible. The plot went absolutely nowhere."

"Well, I was gonna include a part where Omega wants to take the machine 'cause it came from her planet and then Uhura fights her, but I cut that out for various reasons."

"I also didn't like how you didn't have the 'Space: the final frontier' thing that's always at the beginning of Star Trek."

"Okay, thank you. I'll have that in the next one if I do another Star Trek one. I'm gonna start trying to get to Lane's house right now. Wish me luck."

"Good luck, Valentine. I just have one question. Why was it called Star Trek Physical?"

"Because it's about a machine that can make physical objects. Also, I was gonna have Omega say 'Things are about to get physical," or something like that before the fight, because...Yeah."


End file.
